Trying like hell not to grow up

__2004-09-01 @ 9:12 p.m._______ I've never lived in a city. Like a real city. Not a college town or a middle sized town in the middle of Illinois. I'm still getting use to it, yet I've always felt like I would spend most of my adult life in a city- large to mid-sized with enough going on to never get bored. Then again, I really never planned on growing up (and to tell you the truth I don't really ever plan on growing up, but appearently that's what seems to be happening here) and calling myself adult makes me feel like I'm shoplifting. Yet, it looks like I'll be waking up at 7am every morning coming in to work and doing something that does actually relate to my "line of work," or "passions in life," five days a week, taking a train into the city, and blending into the anonymity that everyone seems to be so into in modern urban america. Everything is demagnified in a city and yet it is someone's life that changed while on the corner of 4th and Mission or at the embarcadero station yesterday right? Yes, but you shouldn't care because, really it's none of your business and it doesn't affect you at all except for that five or ten seconds after or while you overheard someone talking about the problem, relevation, moment of complete paranoia, ect. Yet, one day that could be you or your best friend and now it makes all the difference in the world because it's you. I don't know why it seems to be so different in a big city, but it does. Personal issues are just that. And it happens to us all, so just let it pass through your day like all of the other people you walk past, watch on the train, ect. Initially, I have this odd infatuation with it. I want to walk the streets of San Fran and be part of the group, right? I'm in the club, right? Yeah, cool. It's that natural human instinct to be a part of something bigger than yourself and still feel some kind of inner pride and individuality inside. It seems to be invigorating to feel like I belong to something since all of my friends are at least, oh, 3000 miles away, maybe farther (big ups to Nick for moving to the other coast some five or six thousand miles away- I'm waiting for JP to tell me about how he's moving to London and Chris to tell me that he's heading off to Colombia just to see how far we can get away from each other and still call ourselves a band). I need this initial spark of city pride so I can have something to look forward to when I wake up and realize that I have no one to meet down at the Mile High rock club or the coffee shop on Ashby and College or at Blake's on Telegraph. I just finished two different books, did a focus group for a hundred bucks, and pieced together the funiture for our apartment that actually feels like a home and not a vacation housesitting gig. I currently work two separate jobs, one of which I actually make any real cash, and it adds up to an encouraging, buoyant look at the end of two months from now. Then, I might be in good shape. I think of all of you whom might be checking this and I miss you all. In case your wondering and stuff, I still act the same, I haven't lost or gained weight, I still listen to music and try to write every once in a while, and I want to invent a time machine or a teleport device to show you face to face, if only for a couple of minutes...then we can go back to our lives and try to be adult and not grow up at the same time. << | >>