teens

__2004-06-09 @ 10:32 p.m._______ Hello from Ottawa IL, home of the Lincoln/Douglas debates and the Boyce Memorial. No need to worry, it's all downhill from there and if you're not a history buff, well then, there wasn't anything here to start with. Actually, Ottawa has been treating me fairly well recently. I don't do much but then again that's kind of nice. For now at least. It's like I'm taking a break from life. Some might call it a vacation of sorts but that would entail me actually relaxing somewhere with palm trees or gambling at a casino in the desert or scuba diving in exotic waters thousands of miles away. I guess that would be more like a summer vacation I suppose. Instead, it's more like I'm at a drug rehab clinic. I sit around the house, talk about my problems (only this time to myself or to what seems like a wall for a parent), and generally just get really bored rethinking how many different ways I can conjure up a generous version of "I love you but you're driving me fucking nuts and I need to get the hell away from here before I grab a shotgun and give my self the old who's your daddy." If it wasn't for the fresh wave of nostalgic air that keeps getting a hold of me in this house (finding old letters written to me during my freshmen year, finding old mix tapes, little things I had jotted down in high school), I might be in pretty bad shape living here for a month or two. But the air in my room seems little heavier than the air in the rest of the house. Years have piled up inside of my closet and when I start digging something says that revelling through it seems entirely appropriate. This was me before I really became me. And in a way, no one who knows me now really new how I felt then. Isn't that what being a teenager is all about? It is so strange to me that during this time you are asked the simple question "what are you going to do with your life?" Even if you think you know, you really don't. You're in between just about everything you can possibly imagine and of course no one really knows you and how you feel. When I left this town 8 years ago I thought I was starting to move on to something much bigger and important. But I haven't visited that part of me in a very long time and as I spend time here in front of this computer, in my room, in my bed, in my driveway, in this town, I'm finding it comforting to know that I have this time to take a look at who I use to be...even if I'll never really understand it. The new Frou Frou cd that I purchased last weekend in Iowa City is really good. It has taken me a little while to really get into the whole album. Breathing In, Shh, and Hear Me Out are fucking exquisite. Imogen Heap has this great voice but more importantly the lyrics aren't vapid or ridiculously exhausted. I guess she's coming out with a solo album later this year. Here's her site if you would like to check it out. << | >>